Just so that historians don't think that inhabitants of our period are
getting stupider for some unnatural reason, I think it's about time
to fix this baby name issue. In the beginning, in caveman days, you were
probably lucky to get a grunt as an identifier. If you were important
or sexy, you probably got a modified grunt - oom-ah, or something
like that. Then when we had writing and biblical texts, the world became
filled with Josephs and Sarahs and Benjamins and Mohammads. Small town
life was easy then, as you only had one of each per village. However, as
we expanded our horizons and took a walk over to the other villages and
towns, it became awfully confusing as the Joseph in our town was the town
drunk, and Joseph in the next town was the guy who could mend your boots. So
when your Mom told you to take the boots to Joseph, you got a whack
on the head if you left them with the first guy.
So along came ofs. In olden times, the English were somewhat
slow and rustic and were often impressed by outsiders who wore feathers
in their hats and gestured with bent wrists, like the French, so the
ones who hobbnobbed with the latter, changed their of to
de. So
Adam of the town of Smallville became Adam de Smallville. Eventually laziness
set in, and they dropped the de, and that was before it became
necessary to give anyone of any importance a middle name. If you were
Zebadiah Nutcracker, it really wasn't a problem to know who you were, but
with all the Johns and Smiths around, it became annoying and confusing, so
it made sense to add your mother's maiden name to the middle. Our boot man
became Joseph Smallville Cobbler, and that made life a lot easier, because
people don't like to be too confused too often.
As a lot of people wanted their children to be a bit more unique, they
just read a lot more of the old texts, and increased the number of names.
Unfortunately, in the early days, nobody noticed that a name often became
an opinion. This opinion could forge the child's nature. This caused oddball
names to create village characters. I have noticed that certain names, in
particular, always seem to generate the same kind of person. Maybe, it's
just chance, but if I ever see a Brenda coming my way, I will look for any
excuse to leave the room. I don't know what it is, but
all Brenda's (the ones that I
met anyway) are usually belligerant, brutal, and big in a sweaty kind
of way. With all due respect to
Brenda Lee and Brenda Vaccaro, I would just as soon name a kid after a
rhinocerous. As male
names, I have only ever met one Otis in my life, and I strongly suspect he
eventually weighed over 400 pounds, spent at least a few years in jail,
and could often be found shooting BBs at baby animals. I don't even
like taking rides in those elevators, even though they are support to
be reliable.
In general, your kid will fulfill the label you have placed on him, and
you should know by instinct what to avoid. Whatever you do, don't call
any boy a name that begins with the letter K, unless it is Kevin or Keith.
The others do things with their hands, you don't want to mention or think
about.
Since you want to engender a bit of uniqueness to your child, but without
saddling him with something he or she has to live down, I will make a few
suggestions based on old forgotten names that should be resurrected. The
first is for a girl, Kerenhappuck. Biblically, she was the youngest
daughter of Job, quite beautiful, and the name was popular in Scotland
up until the 18th century. It makes a great nickname, Keren, not to be
confused with Karen, which has a different origin. For boys, Darius
should be making a comeback (he was a King of Persia, and it means a kind
man). If you want a truly unique and lyrical name, try Jacobenna. I have
only ever encountered it once. It generates great nicknames.
There seems to be a growing trend to call children after recognizable
objects and soap opera names, which will help to classify our generation's
mental state. I envision a teacher starting a new school year and looking
back at a sea of twisted personalities that include Kyles, Madisons, a
Potato, a Blanket, and who knows maybe, a Pencilsharpener. Great dog
names, I suppose. Here is a list of other suggestions - forgotten names
not used very much. For boys we have Aeneas (praiseworthy), Ariel (light of God),
Barnabas (the consoler), Enoch (the disciplined), Gideon (protector),
Justinian (the just), Malchus (a counselor), Timon (the worthy). For
girls we have: Adin,
(dainty), Bunni (understanding), Carmel (bounty), Cilicia (the overturner),
Dannah (one who judges), Meah (at a distance), Minerva (artistic and wise),
Phebe (shining), Shephi (the beholder), and Tabitha (like a gazelle).
That's it for baby names, other than to say, that you really must take
into consideration that, once you name a child, the time will come when it
is off somewhere, and you want him or her home as soon as possible, so
you must imagine sticking your head out of a window, and calling the kid's
name at the top of your lungs. That's the best test of any decision
to be made in choosing the right baby name. So don't name him Geronimo,
or anything that sounds like flatulence, like Bartholomew.
